Confused about the “Paradox of Kindness”?

Unsure about how a leader can be tough and kind… at the same time?

You’re not alone.

Over the past several months, I have received numerous inquiries about the ‘either/or’ conundrum of leading with kindness.

Most of these well-meaning questions seek to frame leading with kindness as a choice.  A leader can’t implement difficult or unpopular decisions AND be kind at the same time.  You either can be tough or kind – NOT both simultaneously.

I respectfully disagree.

Kindness is HOW you treat people.  Kindness means treating people with honesty, fairness, respect and decency.

Leading with kindness does not mean being soft or wimpy.  Leading with kindness does not mean running away from thorny problems or avoiding confrontational situations.

Leading with kindness means being tough when necessary AND treating people with compassion and civility.

Many years ago, when I was seriously involved with the martial arts, I had a teacher (Sifu) who lived his life with this simple philosophy:

“Be as soft as the world will let you be and as hard as it makes you.”

An interesting paradox – wouldn’t you say?

Happy New Year!

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Kindness, What the HECK! | 01 12th, 2012 | No Comments »

Kindness is for suckers…

Kindness is for losers…

Kindness is for weaklings…

Kindness has no place in the rough and tumble world of business.

And now we have proof.

Ripped from the headlines of an August 15, 2011 Wall Street Journal article, “Hey, You!  Mean People Earn More, Study Finds” and “It may not pay to be nice in the workplace” – is the definitive justification for eradicating, once and for all, kindness from the pantheon of leadership values.

If you truly buy into these convoluted and ridiculous bromides, then STOP READING this article!  Go back to plotting your next move for conquering the world – all by yourself.

Leadership is about forging meaningful and lasting relationships.  Caring is the sine qua non for all positive relationships.  Followers will follow only if they believe that a leader truly cares about them.  Kindness is at the core of caring for others.

What is kindness?

Kindness has been described as being:

The opposite of kindness is:

Many misconceptions surround the belief that kindness is critical for leadership greatness.  Among the most pernicious of these faulty ideas is the “either/or” paradox.

Either a leader can be tough or kind… hard-nosed or kind… analytical or kind… passionate or kind.  These statements are all false equivalents.

A great leader can be both tough AND kind.  A great leader can set high performance standards AND be kind.  A great leader can hold people accountable for their actions/goals AND be kind.  Kindness and toughness are not mutually exclusive.

Kindness is HOW you treat people.  Being kind doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards or not expect the best from people.  Kindness means showing you care by treating people with fairness, respect, decency, and compassion.

Another popular misconception is that people don’t need praise or recognition.  Doing a good job should be praise enough by itself.

Not true.

People crave appreciation.  They want to know that what they do matters.  They want to feel like they are contributing to something bigger than themselves.  Mother Theresa once said, “there is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation than for bread.”

Great leaders find a way to fulfill this universal need for appreciation.  They embrace the belief that small gestures of kindness – the smiles, gestures, compliments, and favors – can change lives and accomplish miracles.

A Final Thought –

“Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people.  A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Jr. (1935)

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Kindness, What the HECK! | 09 6th, 2011 | 2 Comments »

Where’s the profit in kindness?

A wise person once said, “Profit is an outcome.”

Great leaders know that profit is an outcome of doing the right things for employees… customers… partners… and shareholders.

What are the ‘right things’?  Doing the right things for all stakeholders means treating people with respect, decency, honesty, and with kindness.

Kindness promotes positive feelings in the workplace.  In study after study, positive emotions at work have demonstrated a powerful impact on the bottom line for most organizations.

In a Gallup survey of over 4 million employees from more than 30 different industries, individuals who receive regular recognition and praise (e.g. ‘acts of kindness’):

• Increase their individual productivity
• Increase engagement among their colleagues
• Are more likely to stay with their organizations
• Receive higher loyalty and satisfaction scores from customers
• Have better safety records and fewer accidents on the job^[i]

Kindness fuels creativity.

In his book, Primal Leadership, Daniel Goleman suggests that positive feelings or “feeling good lubricates mental efficiency, making people better at understanding information and using decision rules in complex organizations.”  Goleman also points out that positive emotions in the work place make employees behave more ethically and perform more cooperatively in teams.

People are starved for appreciation and kindness.

The US Department of Labor reports that one of the primary reasons people leave their jobs is because they “do not feel appreciated.”  Another poll found that a staggering “65% of Americans reported receiving NO recognition for good work in the past year.”^[ii]

In the ‘grand-daddy’ of employee engagement surveys, the Gallup organization suggested in 2003 that “there were more than 22 million workers – in the United States alone – who were extremely negative or actively disengaged.”

Although these findings  are somewhat dated, consider the costs of these negative emotions in 2003 dollars.  According to the 2003 Gallup study, employee disengagement costs the US economy “between $250 and $300 billion every year in lost productivity.  Add in workplace injury, illness, turnover, absences, and fraud that are directly related to the ‘actively disengaged’ and the costs to US businesses could surpass $1 trillion per year.”

That’s one trillion dollars!  Imagine what these disengagement costs are in 2011 dollars.

Kindness is not a trivial luxury or the province of woolly- headed idealists.  Great leaders understand that acts of kindness can have a direct impact on the positive well being and morale of their organizations.

It’s a rather small step to suggest that positive morale significantly increases the productivity of most businesses.

The ‘Bottom Line’ – more kindness means more profit.

[i] How Full is Your Bucket, Tom Rath and Donald Clifton, Ph.D, Gallup Press, 2004, p. 28

[ii] Gallup Management Journal, August 2003

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Kindness, What the HECK! | 09 6th, 2011 | No Comments »

Do you know the old adage, “What goes around… comes around”?

Well, that’s the essence of Karma.

What does Karma have to do with Kindness?

Everything.

You never know when your actions or behaviors today will set events in motion and cause an impact in your life that will be felt much later in the future.

Sometimes, small or seemingly insignificant gestures of goodwill and generosity may come back to enrich your life in ways that may be completely unforeseen.

Maybe not today.  Maybe not even tomorrow… but some day your thoughtfulness and compassion may be returned to you tenfold.

Yet, real acts of kindness are not given with the expectation of getting something in return.  Kindness should be given without strings attached.  Kindness comes from the heart… and the heart demands no quid pro quo.

Here is a wonderful tale of Kindness and Karma:

“This is a legendary story about a farmer who discovered a young boy stuck in a mud bog somewhere in the United Kingdom.

After much struggle, the farmer was able to free the lad, although for a moment the farmer felt that he, too, would sink too deeply into the mud to survive.

Later that evening, a lord stopped by the farmer’s humble shanty, identifying himself as the rescued boy’s father and offering to pay him a generous reward for his effort.

When the farmer refused, the lord saw that the farmer had a son and insisted that he pay the boy’s way to college. 

After he graduated with a degree in science, the young man – Alexander Fleming – went on to discover penicillin.

Ironically, the young man who had been rescued from the bog, now a young adult, came down with pneumonia.  Thanks to Fleming’s discovery – penicillin – his life was saved. 

The young man’s name:  Sir Winston Churchill.”

The moral:  Kindness begets kindness.

You just never know when a single act of kindness will change your life or someone else’s life forever.

Just ask Sir Winston Churchill if kindness and karma are connected.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Kindness, What the HECK! | 09 6th, 2011 | 2 Comments »

Say it ain’t so… not another acronym for business success?

Yep, afraid so – but this acronym is not just another run-of-the-mill business platitude.

This concept maybe one of the most important and indispensable tools for achieving leadership greatness.

Ok, enlighten me.

Great leaders regularly and unabashedly give “Leadership Acts of Random Kindness” – or … LARK.

What is a “Leadership Act of Random Kindness” (LARK)?

Leadership Acts of Random Kindness are the small gestures of appreciation and the everyday acts of common courtesy that leaders give freely to people at every level in an organization.  A LARK is given without expectation of something in return; it is given freely from the heart.

Leadership Acts of Random Kindness are not about money or material things.  Sure, under the right circumstances, monetary gifts can bring about short-term results.  A LARK goes far beyond money or material awards.

A LARK is a gift of your attention… a gift of your time… a gift of your spirit.

Aesop once wrote, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

If you believe that leading with kindness is essential for leadership greatness, here are some suggestions for how you can incorporate “Leadership Acts of Random Kindness” (LARK) into your basic leadership principles:

• Start with the Truth – Being kind means being honest.  Kindness must be genuine; it must be based in reality.  If you have a tough decision to make or if you need to deliver difficult news, do it!  Just do it with kindness and respect.

• Make it Personal - Generic forms of recognition or appreciation often will fail to impress or motivate an individual.  Your Leadership Acts of Random Kindness (LARK) should have meaning that is specific and tailored to each person.

• Focus on Small Gestures of Kindness – Sometimes it’s the little things that matter the most.  Smile.  Say “Thank You” … again, and again.  Ask questions.  Remember people’s names and related personal information.  Take a colleague to lunch.  Celebrate the significant milestones in people’s lives.  Oh yes, say “Thank You” again.

• Recognize People… often and with sincerity – Show appreciation for people’s contributions.  Find ways to say, “You really made a difference today.”  Or, “Your Work on the (fill in the blank) really helped the team.”  Make your recognition personalized… timely… and meaningful.  Celebrate successes… especially the small victories.

• Put it in Writing – While email messages are good for routine business communications, nothing beats a handwritten note of thanks or praise.  Keep personalized stationery on hand for these occasions; even a “post-it” note placed on a computer screen with 3 or 4 short handwritten sentences of appreciation (remember to be specific) can make a person’s day.

• Give Encouragement… especially to a teammate or peer that needs it – People never seem to tire of getting well-timed expressions of encouragement.

• Give People More Visibility – Find Ways to promote your team’s accomplishments to senior management.  This LARK is a great team motivator and it may engender fierce loyalty.  Share the spotlight.  As Harry Truman said, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit.”

• Be Present – Give the gift of your time… your attention… your expertise… your optimism… your compassion… and yes, even your forgiveness.

• Make Kindness a Core Leadership Value – When others see you “walk the talk”, they will be more inclined to lead with kindness.  Kindness is a compelling organizational strategy… it’s also extremely ‘contagious’.

• See Kindness in Others – By doing so, you strengthen your capacity for tolerance and patience.  Humility and empathy are wondrous expressions of kindness… especially when dealing with difficult people.  Abraham Lincoln once remarked, “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.”

Most good leaders recognize that when you connect with a person’s mind you get intellectual acceptance.

Great leaders know that when you touch a person’s heart with kindness and compassion, you ignite the flames of passion… commitment… and excellence.

So, give LARK a try.

You may be surprised how far it will take you and your organization.

Some Final Thoughts –

Here are some additional ideas for showing that you care and for giving back:

• Send a hand written note of thanks for great customer service
• Pay the toll for the person behind you
• Volunteer your help randomly
• Be kind to your environment
• Cheer the dispirited
• Deliver a basket of goodies to an old folk’s or children’s home
• Do a secret act of service
• Let the person in a hurry behind you, go before you
• Share a smile
• Skip your expensive lunch today and donate the money to the needy
• Read to a child
• Treat a friend to a movie for no reason
• Be kind to stray cats and dogs
• Lend a helping hand to a distraught parent
• Hear the homeless – collect old clothes from family and friends and take them to the closest shelter

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Kindness, What the HECK! | 09 6th, 2011 | No Comments »

Listening is a gift.

When leaders really listen, they give the gift of:

Listening – “real” listening – is the foundation for leading with Humility… Empathy… Civility… and Kindness.

Great leaders are great listeners.

Great leaders listen with their:

• Ears – they listen to more than just the words.  They listen for the tone… inflection… volume… and intensity of the words.

• Eyes – they pay attention to body language. They focus on the expressive content of the speaker’s non-verbal behavior.

• Heart – they look beneath the words to discern the speaker’s emotions, desires, fears, and aspirations.

Great leaders listen for understanding… for the meaning beyond the words.  They listen for collaboration, not confrontation. They show respect by asking open-ended questions.

When great leaders listen, they have the unique ability to make the other person feel as though he/she are the most important person in the world at that moment.

Listening is not merely a “nice” thing to do.  Tom Peters, in his book – The Little BIG Things – asserts, “the ROI from listening is higher than any other single [leadership] activity.” (p. 328).

Most people reading this blog post have been through some type of “active listening” training.  There are countless books and articles on listening in the marketplace today. (See Peters’ The Little BIG Things, p. 331)

When you distill all the advice and suggestions on effective listening down into a manageable number, you come up with five overarching principles.

Here are the five essential components of great listening:

• Be Present – Pay attention… don’t think about what you want to say next or what your next questions should be.  Slow down… be in the moment.  Acknowledge the other person’s value.

• Be Quiet – Don’t interrupt the other person… don’t finish their sentences for them… don’t offer advice unless requested.  Let silence be your guide.

• Be Concerned – You can’t really listen if you don’t really care about what the other person is saying… show that you care by asking open-ended questions about their opinions, beliefs, and needs.

• Be Open – Suspend judgment while the other person is talking… be aware of your non-verbal behavior… look for ways to encourage the person doing the talking (nod occasionally… maintain good eye contact… lean forward… paraphrase what you heard… use phrases like “I see”, “Yes, please continue”, “Right”, “I understand.”)

• Be Humble – Focus on the other person, not on you… be less concerned with winning the argument or dominating the conversation and more about gaining insight and understanding.

Great listening is hard work.  It requires a desire to learn and to understand.  It is civility at the highest level.

Most of all, becoming a great listener requires practice!

Some final thoughts on listening…

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”  Winston Churchill

“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”  Epictetus

“Who speaks, sows; Who listens, reaps.”  Argentine Proverb

‘When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”  Ernest Hemingway

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, Empathy, Humility, Kindness, What the HECK! | 08 3rd, 2011 | No Comments »

Being civil doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.

When you are the target of rudeness or bad behavior, you have choices.

You need not roll over and let people walk all over you. On the other hand, responding to rudeness with more rudeness just compounds the amount of incivility in the world.

Here is a quick quiz:

Suppose during a weekly staff meeting you have just made a presentation on a topic that is very important to you and one of your peers uses sarcasm and insulting remarks to criticize and dismiss your conclusions – What do you do?

You can either:

1. Acquiesce and meekly give in to their arguments.
2. Shut off your computer… collect your personal belongings… and abruptly walk out of the meeting.
3. Cast your eyes downward and withdraw into yourself in silence.
4. Verbally lash out at your tormentor with personal insults of your own.

Yes, this is a trick question. None of these responses are correct or productive.

Often, when we are the recipients of rude behavior or incivility our first reaction is to strike back or retreat. We respond with classic “fight or flight” behavior.

Instead of allowing your emotions to control your response to rudeness, you might want to consider some of these suggestions:

• Remain Calm – Resist the temptation to respond with a verbal counter-attack… take a few moments to collect yourself… cool off… breathe… count to ten (or whatever number)… get control of your emotions.
• Know Yourself – Recognize that your colleague’s attack may be pushing your civility “hot buttons”… understand that your ‘desired’ response may be a result of your bruised feelings, not the words of your attacker.
• Don’t Personalize – Overcome the natural tendency to believe that your peer is attacking you personally rather than your ideas or conclusions… maybe your colleague is having a bad day… maybe his/her response is born out of something other than you or your presentation.
• Assess the Situation – Decide what to do… is this a good time and place to confront your attacker? Can you ignore their sarcasm or insulting comments? Should you attempt to counter their arguments during the meeting with a firm, but polite response? Should you wait until after the meeting is over and confront your peer in private?
• Confront the Rudeness – Confronting rudeness requires courage… tact… and firmness. When responding to incivility, consider these three actions:
  1. Identify the specific rude behaviors (insults… sarcasm… belittling comments)
  2. Let the attacker know how their behavior impacted you,
  3. Make it clear that you expect the hurtful behavior by your attacker not be repeated in the future.

When you are the target of deliberate or even unintentional rudeness, it hurts. It’s natural to want to respond ‘in kind’ to acts of incivility. If possible, resist the temptation to “even the score.”

Being civil demands a deliberate effort… an act of will to treat others with respect and dignity.

Being civil also means that you need not accept or tolerate rudeness. Stand your ground.

Remember, rudeness is generally someone else’s problem dumped on you.

How you respond to incivility is a direct refection on you and your character.

Perhaps this wonderful quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. might shed some clarity on this topic – “The Old Law of an Eye for an Eye leaves everybody blind.”

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, What the HECK! | 07 20th, 2011 | No Comments »

Civility is like pornography.

That got your attention – didn’t it?

To paraphrase the late US Supreme Court Justice, Potter Stewart, in his infamous concurring opinion on the threshold for pornography in Jacobellis v. Ohio (1964):

“Civility – You know it when you see it.”

So, what is civility?

Civility is more than good manners.  Civility is not just proper etiquette.  Civility involves more than being nice.

Civility is all about RESPECT.

According to Dr. P.M. Forni, “being civil means being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint… respect… and consideration into the very fabric of this awareness.”*

Civility is a form of goodness; civility means treating people with dignity and decency.

Civility is not merely attitudinal.  It is much more than a mind-set.  ‘Wanting’ to be civil is like ‘wanting’ to get into shape – civility has no value unless you work at it.

Some of the many behaviors associated with Civility are:

Conversely, Incivility has been described as:

A simple definition of incivility might be bad behavior characterized by a lack of consideration for others.

Acts of incivility come in many different flavors.  Some of these behaviors are merely annoying; most bruise and wound the human psyche.

At the end of the day, being uncivil is being a Jerk!

When considering the advantages of civility in the workplace, maybe the first question should be:  “Whom would you rather work for?”  An arrogant, abusive, demeaning, or rude boss OR a leader that leads with compassion…decency…fairness…and respect for others.

Civility is a critical component for leadership greatness.  Treating people with respect and dignity enhances the quality of our organizations and our lives.

* Choosing Civility:  The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct, P.M. Forni, St. Martin’s Press, NYC, 2002.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, What the HECK! | 07 5th, 2011 | No Comments »

Incivility is bad for business.

Incivility in the workplace:

• Lowers productivity
• Destroys morale
• Increases employee attrition
• Causes health and wellness issues
• Increases the potential for costly lawsuits
• Alienates customers
• Damages relationships and ruins companies’ brands
• Costs $’s and reduces profitability

Among the many excellent books dealing with the topic of “workplace incivility,” two stand out as being uniquely important:

• The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, Robert Sutton, Warner Business Books, NYC, 2007.

• The Cost of Bad Behavior: How Incivility is Damaging Your Business and What To Do About It, Christine Pearson and Christine Porath, Portfolio, NYC, 2009.

Leaders who aspire to act in a civil and respectful manner should read these books.

If you want to understand the real and tragic costs of workplace incivility, pay close attention to The Cost of Bad Behavior.

In this book, Christine Pearson and Christine Porath suggest, “that workplace incivility is one of today’s most substantial economic drains on American business.”

They go on to state “that job stress, much of which has been shown to stem from workplace incivility, costs US businesses $300 billion a year.”

That’s 300 billion dollars lost every year because of rude, insensitive, and demeaning behavior!

Citing numerous surveys and studies, including their own extensive research, Pearson and Porath assert that:

• Nearly 50% of American workers report being treated rudely once or more per week [Italics are mine]
• 60% of workplace incivility occurs top down
• Men are twice as likely to be uncivil; men and women are equally likely to be treated uncivilly
• People committing uncivil acts tend to be older (average age 41) and more experienced than their “targets” (average age 34)

In calculating the actual costs associated with workplace incivility, Pearson and Porath suggest that:

• 53% of employees lost work time worrying about an incident of incivility
• 28% lost time trying to avoid the offending ‘jerk’
• 37% reported a weakened sense of engagement with their employer
• 22% actually reduced their work output
• 46% contemplated changing their jobs
• 12% actually quit their jobs

Staggering!

Organizations and leaders that tolerate or even tacitly promote workplace incivility are literally throwing money down the drain.

Workplace incivility is toxic to an organization’s survival. It poisons the environment. It craters productivity. It obliterates employee morale and engagement. It pisses off customers.

Workplace incivility is, quite simply, bad for business!

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, What the HECK! | 07 5th, 2011 | 1 Comment »

Civility is a hot topic today.

Lots of people are talking about it.

Lately, leaders from every arena have called for a return to common courtesy and civility in our professional and personal lives.

Yet, one of the most common questions I’m asked about leading with HECK – Humility… Empathy… Civility… and Kindness is, “Ed, you believe that civility is an essential element for leadership greatness, then why are there so many ‘jerks’ leading successful companies?

Great question.

Yes, there are a few well-known ‘jerks’ (or to use Bob Sutton’s word –“assholes”) running successful companies.

Yes, their organizations seem to thrive and prosper in spite of the bad behavior that emanates from the top.

And yes, some of these leaders are extremely wealthy (as measured in monetary terms).

However, I would disagree with the words “many” and “leading” in the question.

Sure, there are a few tyrants who are running successful companies, but I believe these people are the exception not the norm.  There are many leaders who consciously and consistently exemplify grace and civility when leading their organizations.  These leaders are generally much more successful than some of their infamous counter-parts.

Also, there is a big difference between ‘running’ and ‘leading’ a successful organization.

Mean-spirited or abusive managers often run their organizations using fear and intimidation.  In many cases, these ‘jerks’ have a well-respected layer of talented senior level executives that insulate and buffer the organization from the top person’s rude behavior.

More often, according to Bob Sutton, “organizations that drive in compassion and drive out fear attract superior talent, have lower turnover costs, share ideas more freely, have less dysfunctional internal competition, and trump the external competition.”

Finally, I believe in “corporate karma” – you know, ‘what goes around comes around.’

Yes, while some leaders can unleash their “inner asshole” and attempt to bully and coerce their followers into submission, this leadership style will generally only work in the short run.

Some companies might even tolerate or excuse a leader’s bad behavior because these executives may be recognized as strategic visionaries or brilliant functional experts.

However, over time this approach to ‘leading’ will eventually wear out the organization and create a long list of potential enemies.

When the fall comes, as it inevitably does for so many organizational tyrants, who will be in their corner with a kind thought or words of encouragement?

It’s your choice – leading with Civility or being an institutional bully.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, What the HECK! | 07 5th, 2011 | No Comments »