Being civil doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.
When you are the target of rudeness or bad behavior, you have choices.
You need not roll over and let people walk all over you. On the other hand, responding to rudeness with more rudeness just compounds the amount of incivility in the world.
Here is a quick quiz:
Suppose during a weekly staff meeting you have just made a presentation on a topic that is very important to you and one of your peers uses sarcasm and insulting remarks to criticize and dismiss your conclusions – What do you do?
You can either:
- Acquiesce and meekly give in to their arguments.
- Shut off your computer… collect your personal belongings… and abruptly walk out of the meeting.
- Cast your eyes downward and withdraw into yourself in silence.
- Verbally lash out at your tormentor with personal insults of your own.
Yes, this is a trick question. None of these responses are correct or productive.
Often, when we are the recipients of rude behavior or incivility our first reaction is to strike back or retreat. We respond with classic “fight or flight” behavior.
Instead of allowing your emotions to control your response to rudeness, you might want to consider some of these suggestions:
- Remain Calm – Resist the temptation to respond with a verbal counter-attack… take a few moments to collect yourself… cool off… breathe… count to ten (or whatever number)… get control of your emotions.
- Know Yourself – Recognize that your colleague’s attack may be pushing your civility “hot buttons”… understand that your ‘desired’ response may be a result of your bruised feelings, not the words of your attacker.
- Don’t Personalize – Overcome the natural tendency to believe that your peer is attacking you personally rather than your ideas or conclusions… maybe your colleague is having a bad day… maybe his/her response is born out of something other than you or your presentation.
- Assess the Situation – Decide what to do… is this a good time and place to confront your attacker? Can you ignore their sarcasm or insulting comments? Should you attempt to counter their arguments during the meeting with a firm, but polite response? Should you wait until after the meeting is over and confront your peer in private?
- Confront the Rudeness – Confronting rudeness requires courage… tact… and firmness. When responding to incivility, consider these three actions:
- Identify the specific rude behaviors (insults… sarcasm… belittling comments)
- Let the attacker know how their behavior impacted you,
- Make it clear that you expect the hurtful behavior by your attacker not be repeated in the future.
When you are the target of deliberate or even unintentional rudeness, it hurts. It’s natural to want to respond ‘in kind’ to acts of incivility. If possible, resist the temptation to “even the score.”
Being civil demands a deliberate effort… an act of will to treat others with respect and dignity.
Being civil also means that you need not accept or tolerate rudeness. Stand your ground.
Remember, rudeness is generally someone else’s problem dumped on you.
How you respond to incivility is a direct refection on you and your character.
Perhaps this wonderful quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. might shed some clarity on this topic – “The Old Law of an Eye for an Eye leaves everybody blind.”
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