It’s time for a reality check.

Question – Are you always civil and courteous in the workplace?

If you answered “Yes,” congratulations!  You are among the very few… the very perfect.

If your answer was “No,” then join the rest of us mortals.

Most of us have been ‘jerks’ at work at some time in our careers.  We have all had bad days (or weeks… or even months).   Sometimes our capacity for self-control and tolerance has been severely diminished by the vicissitudes of everyday life.

When it comes to civility in the workplace, none of us will be courteous and considerate all the time.  Perfection – in terms of reigning in our “inner jerk” (thanks again, Bob Sutton) – is an illusion.

However, if you aspire to be more civil in the workplace, you may want to consider the following suggestions:

• Show Respect for Others’
  • Opinions – Learn to respect other people’s ideas and opinions, even when you violently disagree with them.  Ask more questions.  Who knows?  You might learn something new or see the world in a different way.
  • Time – Keep appointments… be on time… respond promptly to other people’s messages, phone calls, and emails.
  • Space – Pay attention to how you manage physical space in conversations.  Avoid physical gestures that seek to coerce or intimidate others.  Respect people’s privacy and personal boundaries.

• Be Calm… Be Composed… Be Considerate – Check your anger at the door… count to ten when provoked… take a walk around the building – it’s good for your mental and physical well-being.

• Express Gratitude – Embrace the power of “Thank you” and “Please.” These common courtesies are at the core of civility.

• Apologize When You Screw Up – Banish the idea that saying “I’m sorry” is a sign of weakness.  Apologize sincerely and often… don’t make excuses or blame others for your mistakes.  As Tom Peters so eloquently states, “If you foul up, fess up.”

• Speak Kindly – Think before you speak, especially if you’re angry.  Don’t gossip or speak ill about someone behind his or her back. Follow the old adage, “Praise in public… criticize in private.”  Keep profanity out of the workplace.  Unless you’re the next Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert, avoid sarcastic jokes or caustic comments.

• Watch Your Moods – Bad moods are contagious.  They poison employee morale and they are destructive to the very fabric of your organization.

• Pay Attention – When you acknowledge and focus on others, you acknowledge their importance to you… their feelings… and the things they do for you.  Celebrate the accomplishments of others.

In their wonderful 2007 book, Return to Civility, John Sweeney and the folks at The Brave New Workshop assembled a list of 365 things all of us could do to make this a more civil world.

Here are a few of their ideas:

• Smile – Behind every smile is the potential for a new adventure in friendship and understanding. (#9)

• Learn when to keep quiet – Take a break and give yourself the luxury of listening to someone else speak. (#111)

• Keep an open mind, and treat others as you like to be treated – Try to picture yourself on the receiving end of what you just said or did. (#151)

• Accept the mistakes of others graciously, knowing you make mistakes too – You never know when you’ll need someone to return the favor. (#56)

• Believe in something beyond yourself to keep your ego in check – There are more important things in the universe than your crisis of the day. (#35)

Civility is a classic paradox.  It is a means to achieve leadership greatness AND it is an end that all great leaders should pursue every day.

Civility is good for you.  Civility is good for your followers.  And Civility is good for your business.

A Final Thought…

“So let us begin anew–remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.”

President John F. Kennedy – excerpt from his 1961 Inaugural Address, January 20, 1961

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, What the HECK! | 07 5th, 2011 | 4 Comments »

Some things never go out of style.

Romantic sunsets… ice cream on a warm summer evening… the hug from a small child or a loved one… the cold nose of beloved pet.  Bow ties… well, maybe not bow ties.
Some things never seem to age or lose their special significance over time.

Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of those rare books that remains ageless.  First published in 1937, Carnegie wrote this book to help people learn more about the “fine art of getting along with people in everyday business.”

Many of the ideas offered in his book are as relevant today as they were nearly 75 years ago.  Every great leader should have this work on their bookshelf.

One of his major principles stands out as particularly timeless.

“If you want people to care about you, you must first care about them.”

Think about it.

How many people are going to follow a leader who doesn’t care about them?  Really care… not just on the surface as in “I care about you so long as you continue to advance my goals or objectives.”

Taking a genuine and sincere interest in others is at the core of leading with Humility… Empathy… Civility… and Kindness.

How can you show your followers that you care?

Find a way to help them discover meaning in their jobs.  Give the “gift of appreciation” – show them that what they do and who they are are equally important.  Provide a reason for them to get out of bed every morning – a reason beyond their paychecks.  Engage their hearts as well as their minds.

Showing that you truly care about your followers as individuals is the first step to leadership greatness.

[If you want to take Dale Carnegie's classic ideas one step further, I urge you to pick up the book, It's Not Just Who You Know, by Tommy Spaulding.  Written in 2010, this extraordinary book takes building deep and lasting business relationships to a new level.  It's a great read!]

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, Empathy, Humility, Kindness | 06 21st, 2011 | 2 Comments »

Is there a magic formula for leadership greatness?

In a word, no!

There is no universal “silver bullet” for leadership greatness.

Being a great leader depends on many factors.  Being a great leader involves doing many small things well every day.

If there is no “secret sauce”, then what is the one thing you can to do today to begin to discover your leadership greatness?

You can start by embracing the immense “Power of 3” – the power of these 3 small words:

“You are right.”
“I was wrong.”
“I am sorry.”
“Help me understand.”
“Thank you, ________”
“Great job, _________”

Leadership greatness doesn’t start with long philosophical musings or extensive training.  Being a great leader begins with leading with Humility… Empathy… Civility… and Kindness.

Great leaders believe that small, simple gestures of kindness can make all the difference.

Great Leaders recognize and demonstrate “The Power of 3” every day.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, Kindness, Small Changes - Big Results | 05 31st, 2011 | No Comments »

Last week, I met with a former CEO whom I had worked for during my career in Human Resources.  He had read my latest “What the HECK!” newsletter and in an email message said that he agreed with 90% of it.  He suggested that we get together for lunch and talk about the “other 10%.”

Well, I’d take 90% agreement from this person any day of the week.  He is an outstanding leader.  He is extremely intelligent.  He is honest, decent, fair, and extremely successful.  Oh yes, he’s tough as nails, too.

Over lunch we caught up on our respective lives and talked about the “state of business” today.  Toward the end of our conversation, I brought up the “10% gap.”

“My issue is with your disapproval of the concept – ‘It’s not personal, it’s just business’”, he stated.  Continuing on, he suggested, “that most leaders have to make tough decisions around their businesses – layoffs, terminations, divestitures, plant closures, etc. – and they can’t afford to let personal considerations or emotions sway or dissuade them from making these hard choices.”

When I realized we were talking about the classic problem of the “what” versus the “how”, I offered the premise that leading with HECK – Humility… Empathy… Civility… and Kindness doesn’t mean running away from tough or hard decisions.

On the contrary, great leaders will confront reality and move quickly to address difficult situations.  The difference is “How” they implement their decisions.  Leaders who lead with HECK will implement their choices while preserving the respect and dignity of the people touched by those decisions.

At the end of our lunch, I reminded him of the philosophy he consistently demonstrated throughout his distinguished career – “Do what’s right for the business and then take care of the people.”  I suggested that our 10% gap was not so wide after all, but merely a different way to approach the same idea – treat all people with compassion and civility.

My appreciation and thanks go out to my former boss and current friend.  As always, he spoke his mind with integrity, compassion and civility.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Civility, Empathy, What the HECK! | 05 3rd, 2011 | No Comments »

Empathy…

Politicians crave it.  Potential US Supreme Court Justices are excoriated if they have it.  Some business leaders see it as the path to greater employee or customer engagement.  Other leaders believe it is “squishy” or soft.

Most of us think we are empathetic, yet few of us can really define it.

So, what is empathy?  And why does it get such a bad rap?

Empathy starts with a genuine caring about another person.  Empathy continues with the ability to see the world through that person’s eyes.

Using the well-known metaphor, empathy is walking a mile in another person’s shoes.

Empathy is sensing others’ emotions… understanding their perspectives… and taking an active interest in their lives.

If leadership is about building relationships, then empathy is a foundation skill for all leaders.

Empathy creates connection.  Empathy is all about “them.”  Empathy is the ability to imagine what other people are feeling; it allows you to understand what makes them tick.

Leaders that can tap into our dreams and desires… or who can speak to our frustrations or fears in an empathetic, intuitive way end up getting our support, our commitment, and yes, even our loyalty.

Empathy is at the core of leadership greatness.

Why does empathy get such a bad rap?

Some leaders believe that empathy is too “mushy” or soft.

Some argue that empathy is manipulative.  Let me crawl around inside of your head so I can get the advantage.

Others think empathy means agreement.  If I show empathy for you, then I must give up my ideas or sacrifice my viewpoints.

Empathy is none of these.

Empathy is not soft.  It may be an emotional activity, but it need not be sentimental.

Empathy can drive better business results and help retain talent.  In a Hay/McBer study of 38,000 leaders and their organizations, leadership styles that rely heavily on empathy tend to create a more positive company culture and achieve greater bottom line results.

Empathy requires caring about the world from another person’s perspective.  It’s more than just seeing or feeling.  It is connecting with the other person.  Empathy is not manipulative if your motives are genuine.

Lastly, empathy does not signify agreement.

It does not mean you condone or support the actions of others.  Expressing empathy does not mean sacrificing your beliefs or values.  It does not let the other person “off the hook” for their actions or behaviors.

Empathy is understanding.  It is awareness. It is seeing life through another person’s eyes.  Empathy is considering the world from another perspective or point of view other than your own.

Empathy is quite simply caring.  It is a gift.  It defines and separates great leaders from merely good leaders.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Empathy, What the HECK! | 04 18th, 2011 | No Comments »

The date is April 9, 1865.  The place is Appomattox Court House, Virginia.

The Civil War is finally over.

More than 620,000 have died.  Many more were wounded.  Families have been ripped apart.  Homes destroyed.  Lives changed forever.

Could this be a time for empathy?

Could the Union and Confederate armies move beyond their massive carnage and bloodletting, and begin the healing process?

In his penetrating article, “A Graceful Exit,” in the Winter 2010 issue of American Heritage (Volume 59, No. 4), historian Jay Winik suggests that both Generals Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee were able to cut through their mutual animus and demonstrate empathy for one another.

Winik writes:

“after the surrender at Appomattox Court House, General Grant, heeding Lincoln’s plea for a ‘tender peace’ now that the war was close at hand, treated General Lee’s defeated army with extraordinary generosity, not as hated foes but as brothers to be embraced.  With the surrender finalized, General Lee mounted his horse, Traveler and prepared to lead his army home.  In a brilliant masterstroke, Grant walked out onto the porch of the Wilmer McLean House and, in front of all his officers and men, silently raised his hat to the man who just that morning had been his ardent adversary, saluting him as an honored comrade…”

Was this act of empathy important?  In the months to come, Grant’s gesture rippled throughout the South.  Did it help to ‘bind up’ the wounds of this terrible war?  Possibly.

Much later, General Lee would comment, “I surrendered as much to Lincoln’s goodness, as I did to Grant’s armies.”

If two bitter enemies could discover their empathy, can you find your empathy for others within you?

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Empathy, What the HECK! | 04 18th, 2011 | No Comments »

Are empathy and sympathy the same thing?

Many of us use these words interchangeably… Are they equivalent?

No, not really.

Sympathy is sadness or sorrow you feel “for” someone else.

It is an emotion “you” are feeling.  It generally starts with “I.”  “I’m sorry for your loss.”  “I feel for you.”  “I feel badly you lost your job.”  And so on.

Empathy is a feeling or an awareness you share “with” someone else.  The focus is on “them”, not you.

Empathy is not what you’re feeling.  It is understanding and knowing what the other person is feeling.  It is seeing the world or experiencing their pain through their eyes.  “You must be really proud… happy… excited… sad…” Or “You seem happy/bothered by…”

Empathy is not about your feelings… it’s about their feelings.

Is one emotion better or worse than the other?  No, not necessarily.

Both empathy and sympathy can be equally important… equally meaningful.  It all depends on the situation.

Empathy and sympathy are merely two different sides of the “coin of compassion.”

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Empathy, What the HECK! | 04 18th, 2011 | No Comments »

If you believe that empathy is essential for leadership greatness, how do you build or develop your empathy skills?

The good news is that we are all “hard-wired” for empathy.  It’s in our genes.

Many neurobiologists now believe that emotions like loyalty… compassion… and empathy are deeply rooted in our limbic system.  Empathy, in other words, makes us human.

If you want to grow and enhance your natural empathetic talents, consider following these tips:

• Listen – Really Listen!
  • Listen with your ears – What is the other person really saying?  How are they saying it?  What is their tone of voice?  What emphasis do they place on certain phrases or words?
  • Listen with your eyes – Pay close attention to their body language.  Are they “open” or “closed?” What are their eyes telling you?  How are they sitting/standing?
  • Listen with your gut – Is the other person being genuine… forthcoming…guarded… truthful?
  • Listen with your heart – What is she or he really feeling?  What are you really feeling as you listen?

• Don’t Interrupt – Don’t dismiss the other person’s concerns… don’t tell them to “hurry up” or “get to the point.”  Don’t change the subject.  Don’t hijack the conversation by moving it back to your concerns… issues… or views.

• Ask Good Questions – Practice the “80-20” Rule – the other person gets to talk 80% of the time; you get the remaining 20%.  Ask the other person to explain his or her position.  Ask open-ended questions.

• Suspend Judgment – Consider things from the other person’s point of view.  Try not to assign your feelings, values, or logic to the other person.  Keep an open mind.

• Be Present – Focus On the Other Person
  • Minimize Distractions – Don’t check email or answer tweets/texts while listening.  Turn off your computer, television, PDA, or Smart Phone.
  • Remove Physical Barriers – Get out from behind your desk when carrying on a conversation
  • Face the Other Person – Give them your full and undivided attention

• Be Calm – Keep your emotions in check.  Resist the urge to argue or present counter-arguments.

• Validate the Other Person’s Perspective – Acknowledge their point of view or how they “see” the world. Remember – empathy does not mean agreement and acknowledging another person’s beliefs or ideas does not mean you sacrifice your own.

• Give the Other Person the “Gift of Time” – Be patient… encouragement and empathy are gifts of immeasurable value.

Start small.  Pick one or two of these suggestions and practice developing your natural empathy skills.  Build on your success and growth.  Getting really good at something requires practice… and more practice.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | Empathy, What the HECK! | 04 18th, 2011 | No Comments »

“It’s not personal, it’s just business.”

What a bunch of horse hooey!

Yet, how many leaders and companies continue to use this self-serving rationalization to justify their actions?

Business is personal.  Business is all about relationships.

Not convinced?  Ask your employees, your customers, or your suppliers/vendors if relationships don’t matter.

Leading with HECK or Humility… Empathy… Civility… and Kindness is the foundation for building long-term sustainable relationships.

If leading is about achieving goals or getting results through the efforts of others, then how you lead has to be about “them” and not “you”. Leading with:

• Humility – means shining the spotlight on them, not you
• Empathy – means seeing the world through their eyes
• Civility – means treating them with respect and decency
• Kindness – means reaching out to them with compassion and  understanding

Leading with humility… empathy… civility… and kindness is common sense.  It is how you would like to be treated by others.  It’s about being appreciated.  It’s about believing that everybody matters!

HECK is not “soft”.  HECK is not “weak”.  Leading with humility… empathy… civility… and kindness requires self-awareness, desire, focus, and strength of character.  It takes hard work and practice to develop or enhance your HECK skills.

“What the HECK!” is a state of mind.  It is a way of leading.  It is a belief that we succeed in life by acknowledging that we cannot succeed alone.

HECK is not an absolute.  It’s not an “all or nothing” concept.  It’s not about, “either you’re humble or not”… “either your empathetic or not”… well, you get the picture.

Nobody’s perfect!

Sometimes we aren’t kind or even civil.  Leading with humility… empathy… civility… and kindness is about getting better one small step at a time.  It’s about making small, positive changes in our behavior.  Soon, these small behavioral changes will begin to add up.

If you practice leading with humility… empathy… civility… and kindness, what’s the upside?

People will enjoy working with you and for you.  People will enjoy being around you.  They will believe that you have their best interests at heart.  They will be engaged.  Motivated.  Inspired to achieve greatness.  People will follow you because they want to – not because they have to.

Ultimately, people will reach for the stars if they believe that how you lead is about them and not about you.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | What the HECK! | 05 28th, 2010 | No Comments »

Imagine you’re driving down the highway.

Sitting next to you on the passenger seat is a bundle of money.  Say about 100 grand.

All of a sudden, you toss this bundle of money out of your car window!

Are you crazy?  Probably.

Have you littered?  Most definitely!

Every time a talented person voluntarily leaves your organization, it ends up costing you a bundle of money to replace them.  Some studies have suggested it costs an estimated 150% of annual salary to replace middle-level employees and up to 400% of annual salary to replace high level employees.*

Why do most people quit their jobs?  According to a 2007 Gallup Poll, the most common reason people leave their jobs is because of how they are treated by their immediate supervisor.

Let’s face it – unless people have to work for a particular employer, most talented individuals are “free agents.”  They can stay or leave when they want to – even in difficult economic times.

So, ask yourself, “If their leaders are vain, self-serving, abusive, arrogant, mean-spirited, and selfish, how long with these talented people stick around?”

Still don’t think leading with humility… empathy… civility… and kindness matters (or matters that much)?  Then do the math.  For every talented person who quits their job because their boss is a tyrant or a jerk, it ends up costing your company a ton of real $’s and sends a big signal to the rest of the organization.

The tangible advantages of leading with HECK are readily apparent.  The costs of developing humility… empathy… civility… and kindness are negligible.  Maybe even free.  On the other hand, the costs for not leading with HECK are huge!

And who knows – when you encourage great leadership through the practice of HECK and stop littering the highway with sacks of money, you might discover that you will have a more engaged and committed workforce.

* W. Cascio and J. Boudreau. Investing in People:  Financial Impact of Human Resource Initiatives. New Jersey:  FT Press, 2008.

The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching | What the HECK! | 05 28th, 2010 | No Comments »